Ugh...

FOUR visual migraines in one week.
They hit in the morning, and leave me wasted all day long. I can't even make the most simple of decisions. (Like that sentence. It looks wrong.)
I really dislike whiny posts. I don't feel whiny though, I feel...off. All kinds of out of it, and not a little spacey - and no, it has nothing to do with my hair color!!!
Computer's fading, gotta go! :~)

My heart's familiar ache

It's so much more than a desire.
It's a yearning...a pull...an intense, nonsensical "need".
I am positively UNable to explain this in a way that will even come close to revealing the crave of it.

And it has *always* been a crave:
As a girl, I dreamed of it, happily, for hours on end...
As a teenager, I shaped myself for it, and worked towards making it happen...
As an adult, I've tried to forget it.
All, to no avail.

It actually makes me shaky to try to analyze this feeling - like I'm doing something wrong, just because I Want. Is this what coveting is??
Sometimes I read over my old journals. I sigh for the innocence and wince at the grit, and I usually laugh at the silly promises I've made...
But one thing invariably stops me in my tracks:
My enduring desire for LAND.


Here I am, aching and begging, dreaming and wishing...

I know that there is an infinite amount of more important things to want. And so I choose once again to get used to the hurt, to set it in the corner where it lives, while I focus on what really matters: the PEOPLE of this land.
I ask for their souls to be saved and their lives to be blessed. I pray against their pain and hunger and addiction and disease and indifference.
And more than anything, I ask for GOD to be glorified and JESUS to be lifted up.

In the end, there will be heaven.

Computer woes:

Our laptop is dying! So, unless something semi-miraculous comes up (which it very well just might!), I'm not sure I'll be able to post much here. :~(
And just when I was getting into it! Ah, well. I'm sure God knows what He's doing! :~)

A couple pickity pics

This is our silly puppy dog, Cephas. He *cannot* greet us without something in his mouth. This time, he picked something from under the tree!
And here is my sweet husband and daughter, braving the wind and dampness to bring Mama a Sunday morning coffee from The Coffee Barn drive-through:

Shopping for Forgiveness

At times I am so out of whack with American culture that I feel like I don't belong anywhere - but, jumping out of bed at 5:30 on a Saturday morning to trek to Toys R Us has forever confirmed my roots!
As I drove in the rainy darkness, with a hot coffee in my gloved hands, I thought:
"I am *such* and American!!"
I'm sure I looked silly giggling at myself and dancing to mid-80's praise music. :~D
I was a bit overzealous to get to the almost-out-of-stock electronic gadget (that has been on my baby boy's wish list for *years*) and I ended up with about a half hour to kill before the portal to Toy Heaven was opened.
So, I did something kind of weird...

There's a Ma and Pa restaurant called Davidson's on the main drag of the Toys R Us town. Right after high school I'd gotten a job bussing table's there. It was a great place, and the family that owned it - the Davidson's, duh! - we're super sweet.
Unfortunately, I was stupid...and young...and confused about life in general at the time.
One day, I went to work drunk. Not just tipsy, but plastered. (I actually had to have my friend drive his truck slowly up to the front door so that I had something to hold onto in the parking lot.)
I might have actually pulled it off...I can't quite remember. ~blush~
But I was so ashamed, I never went back. They called me a few weeks later and left a very kind message saying that I could come pick up my check. I never did, so they mailed it to me. That was 14 years ago...

Now, I've done a boatload of stupid things in my time, and this one doesn't even really deserve mention in the top 20, but it has always bugged me.
I'm a firm believer in hard work and integrity. Keeping your word and not wussing out on your responsibilities. Looking someone in the eye and apologizing for wrongs done...
So, at 6:30 last Saturday morning, I went into Davidson's to ask for forgiveness.
The lady behind the counter was filling mini-cups of butter when I approached her. I asked if she was part of the Davidson's family, and she said that they'd sold the restaurant years ago.
I took a deep breath, made her swear not to laugh at me, and told her why I was there.
She laughed (I knew she would!) and told me not to worry - I wasn't the first busser to ever come in there drunk. I told her how sweet the family had been to me, and that I'd always felt horrible for not working my hardest for them, so I'd come in here to say I'm Sorry.
She said she'd let Mr. Davidson know, since he comes in every morning to meet with his buddies for breakfast. (Turns out, part of the contract for selling the restaurant was that Mr. Davidson would always get free coffee. Isn't that about the cutest thing ever?!?)
Before leaving I grinned and said, "So, I want you to say it!"
She looked me square in the eye and said, "Honey, you're forgiven."
And she gave me a hug.

Is there a word for "more than exhausted"? Ah, but this is with contentment!

I am always beyond exhausted at the end of a Wednesday.
But I *love* my Wednesdays!!
Wednesdays are the days that we get "A" and "S" - the babies of my heart.Okay, they're not *really* babies - they're 5 and 2, but I call everyone under 10 a baby. :~P

A year and a half ago, when we had first moved back to the States, I was...damaged. The profound pain of having to walk away from all the hurt of Honduras, mixed with the fresh wounds of seeing what sin can do in "my people" here in America - it was like being slammed by a killer wave, and not knowing which way the air is. Sinking into the deep darkness looked easiest. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it...

When I started to finally be able to tread water, I decided that I was going to do SOMETHING. I was going to fight it, whatever IT may be.
And so, I prayed. We all prayed...
I called rehabs to see if I could volunteer. I called AA groups to get info on how to help. I even spent a few weeks visiting a Celebrate Recovery here in town.
But none of it "fit".
So, we prayed.
And through one thing and another, I got the chance to babysit "S" and "A".
Their sweet lives have not been easy.
I've known and loved their dad's side of the family since high school...it's tough to see what the past decade and a half has done. It's been hard...
I knew that *this* was what God had for me.
THIS was my way of "fighting it".
I would open my painful heart once again. We would love them and pray for them and show them as much of Jesus as we could.

And we have!! They have a place so deep inside my heart, it hurts to be away from them for long.
Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity!
And so we *LOVE* Wednesdays!

My kids visit with the Fake Guy

Afterwards, my sweet Evy girl said, "Mama, if Santa isn't real, why did he look like it? I mean, like, I touched him and everything..."
Too cute!