Ugh...

FOUR visual migraines in one week.
They hit in the morning, and leave me wasted all day long. I can't even make the most simple of decisions. (Like that sentence. It looks wrong.)
I really dislike whiny posts. I don't feel whiny though, I feel...off. All kinds of out of it, and not a little spacey - and no, it has nothing to do with my hair color!!!
Computer's fading, gotta go! :~)

My heart's familiar ache

It's so much more than a desire.
It's a yearning...a pull...an intense, nonsensical "need".
I am positively UNable to explain this in a way that will even come close to revealing the crave of it.

And it has *always* been a crave:
As a girl, I dreamed of it, happily, for hours on end...
As a teenager, I shaped myself for it, and worked towards making it happen...
As an adult, I've tried to forget it.
All, to no avail.

It actually makes me shaky to try to analyze this feeling - like I'm doing something wrong, just because I Want. Is this what coveting is??
Sometimes I read over my old journals. I sigh for the innocence and wince at the grit, and I usually laugh at the silly promises I've made...
But one thing invariably stops me in my tracks:
My enduring desire for LAND.


Here I am, aching and begging, dreaming and wishing...

I know that there is an infinite amount of more important things to want. And so I choose once again to get used to the hurt, to set it in the corner where it lives, while I focus on what really matters: the PEOPLE of this land.
I ask for their souls to be saved and their lives to be blessed. I pray against their pain and hunger and addiction and disease and indifference.
And more than anything, I ask for GOD to be glorified and JESUS to be lifted up.

In the end, there will be heaven.

Computer woes:

Our laptop is dying! So, unless something semi-miraculous comes up (which it very well just might!), I'm not sure I'll be able to post much here. :~(
And just when I was getting into it! Ah, well. I'm sure God knows what He's doing! :~)

A couple pickity pics

This is our silly puppy dog, Cephas. He *cannot* greet us without something in his mouth. This time, he picked something from under the tree!
And here is my sweet husband and daughter, braving the wind and dampness to bring Mama a Sunday morning coffee from The Coffee Barn drive-through:

Shopping for Forgiveness

At times I am so out of whack with American culture that I feel like I don't belong anywhere - but, jumping out of bed at 5:30 on a Saturday morning to trek to Toys R Us has forever confirmed my roots!
As I drove in the rainy darkness, with a hot coffee in my gloved hands, I thought:
"I am *such* and American!!"
I'm sure I looked silly giggling at myself and dancing to mid-80's praise music. :~D
I was a bit overzealous to get to the almost-out-of-stock electronic gadget (that has been on my baby boy's wish list for *years*) and I ended up with about a half hour to kill before the portal to Toy Heaven was opened.
So, I did something kind of weird...

There's a Ma and Pa restaurant called Davidson's on the main drag of the Toys R Us town. Right after high school I'd gotten a job bussing table's there. It was a great place, and the family that owned it - the Davidson's, duh! - we're super sweet.
Unfortunately, I was stupid...and young...and confused about life in general at the time.
One day, I went to work drunk. Not just tipsy, but plastered. (I actually had to have my friend drive his truck slowly up to the front door so that I had something to hold onto in the parking lot.)
I might have actually pulled it off...I can't quite remember. ~blush~
But I was so ashamed, I never went back. They called me a few weeks later and left a very kind message saying that I could come pick up my check. I never did, so they mailed it to me. That was 14 years ago...

Now, I've done a boatload of stupid things in my time, and this one doesn't even really deserve mention in the top 20, but it has always bugged me.
I'm a firm believer in hard work and integrity. Keeping your word and not wussing out on your responsibilities. Looking someone in the eye and apologizing for wrongs done...
So, at 6:30 last Saturday morning, I went into Davidson's to ask for forgiveness.
The lady behind the counter was filling mini-cups of butter when I approached her. I asked if she was part of the Davidson's family, and she said that they'd sold the restaurant years ago.
I took a deep breath, made her swear not to laugh at me, and told her why I was there.
She laughed (I knew she would!) and told me not to worry - I wasn't the first busser to ever come in there drunk. I told her how sweet the family had been to me, and that I'd always felt horrible for not working my hardest for them, so I'd come in here to say I'm Sorry.
She said she'd let Mr. Davidson know, since he comes in every morning to meet with his buddies for breakfast. (Turns out, part of the contract for selling the restaurant was that Mr. Davidson would always get free coffee. Isn't that about the cutest thing ever?!?)
Before leaving I grinned and said, "So, I want you to say it!"
She looked me square in the eye and said, "Honey, you're forgiven."
And she gave me a hug.

Is there a word for "more than exhausted"? Ah, but this is with contentment!

I am always beyond exhausted at the end of a Wednesday.
But I *love* my Wednesdays!!
Wednesdays are the days that we get "A" and "S" - the babies of my heart.Okay, they're not *really* babies - they're 5 and 2, but I call everyone under 10 a baby. :~P

A year and a half ago, when we had first moved back to the States, I was...damaged. The profound pain of having to walk away from all the hurt of Honduras, mixed with the fresh wounds of seeing what sin can do in "my people" here in America - it was like being slammed by a killer wave, and not knowing which way the air is. Sinking into the deep darkness looked easiest. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it...

When I started to finally be able to tread water, I decided that I was going to do SOMETHING. I was going to fight it, whatever IT may be.
And so, I prayed. We all prayed...
I called rehabs to see if I could volunteer. I called AA groups to get info on how to help. I even spent a few weeks visiting a Celebrate Recovery here in town.
But none of it "fit".
So, we prayed.
And through one thing and another, I got the chance to babysit "S" and "A".
Their sweet lives have not been easy.
I've known and loved their dad's side of the family since high school...it's tough to see what the past decade and a half has done. It's been hard...
I knew that *this* was what God had for me.
THIS was my way of "fighting it".
I would open my painful heart once again. We would love them and pray for them and show them as much of Jesus as we could.

And we have!! They have a place so deep inside my heart, it hurts to be away from them for long.
Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity!
And so we *LOVE* Wednesdays!

My kids visit with the Fake Guy

Afterwards, my sweet Evy girl said, "Mama, if Santa isn't real, why did he look like it? I mean, like, I touched him and everything..."
Too cute!

Lazy grazy cloudy day

Hmmm, it's been a day of few accomplishments. Blah.
Vicente has been working til oober late at night for about a week now, and I'm all out of sorts. Blah! ;~)
The house is in decent shape, the kids well loved and read to, and we've done a pretty good job of healthy eating today. I've got a boy in the bath, his sister sitting on the bathroom floor to keep him company, another boy doing homework, and my babysitting girls are still napping. I should probably be up and cleaning while things are quiet, yet here I sit. blah
I've had a visit from 2 different aunts, a phone call from one more, and I ran across the street for a quick visit to Aunt Marian and Uncle Don's to give them their meds for the week. My mom seems to be doing her winter hibernating, aka selfish tv life. BLAH!
Oh, and our little green car is having brake issues, so I've been without a vehicle for the third time in a week. BIG blah.
Plus I don't know what to cook for dinner...

BUT!! I am loved and cherished by an incredible God! He thinks on me and guides me and really wants to grow me. He is vitally interested in my thoughts and feelings, and He's promised me heaven at the end of it all!!

I am one BLESSED woman!

Feelin' nostalgic

It's late, and I should be sleeping, but here's the thing:

I MISS HONDURAS. ~sniffle~

Yesterday my mom and I spent the better part of the afternoon going through my photos.
(This was in an attempt to finally fill the beautiful frames I got for Cmas last year, so that I won't have guilt in asking for more!)
The photo thing, mixed with our main topic of conversation last night (third world living and missions) has made my heart *ache* for Honduras.

Man, it hurts.

Bless them, Lord Jesus...

Eduardo and Denaisi:
Ludy and Mordicia:
Melissa:
Williams and Lucila with Suamy and Maria Ester:
Luis Fernando and Monica with Daniel and Rebeca:
Loren, Guapo, Melkis, and Sefora:
David and Nasly with David Alejandro, Diego, and Daniel:
Maria Ester:
Our Garifuna fellowship:

Dinner last night -

We had a super sweet family over for dinner last night. Well, it was actually just the mom, dad, and youngest son. They're oldest son is at college in So Cal, and they're next two children are at a boarding school in Pakistan? India? Wow, I can't believe I don't know that!
Anyhoo, they were missionaries in Afghanistan until family problems brought them back to the States earlier this year. They will all be together for Cmas, thank Jesus!
We talked bunches about missionary issues and third-culture living in general. I love being with people that understand so much of who we are!
I'm still mulling over all that we talked about, but I'm grateful for the chance to get to know them a bit!

I'm obviously in the Blogger Honeymoon phase...

I thought I'd better show off my little girl, since both her brothers have received a bit o' spotlight! Apparently the Winnie the Pooh vid is a tad more interesting than Mama's camera, but here she is none the less!
Isn't she beyond amazing?!?
My Evy Jo is by far the most caring and loving little girl that I know. (And I know bunches!) She has every single quality I'd ever dreamed of having in a daughter - plus she's stinking ADORABLE!
Spittin' image of her mama! <----- That was almost typed with a poker face!

MY HERO!!!

My boy, Israel, just came home from public school - 3rd grade. He tearfully confessed to me that he "spelled out a bad word" to two other kids in class, and his teacher heard him.
He was bawling.
His first words after the confession were a sniffley, "Mama, I am *so glad* I got caught." And then more tears...
He's never really done anything wrong - nothing of this magnitude, anyways.
I was surprised, but SO proud of how he was handling it. God is at work!
Israel was sure to tell the recess teacher that he lost playtime, and he got shaky and sick to his stomach during lunchtime, just thinking about it. And he'll apologize to his teacher on Monday.
He said that he worries about becoming "bad, like most of the kids in class". I snuggled him and told him that Papa and I just would NEVER let that happen, so he doesn't need to stress!
He's asked me to wake him up early in the mornings so that he can spend time with God before school each day, and we had a great discussion about making faith His Own, rather than just a family thing.
I am so proud of him I could burst!
(Please excuse the lack of chair-back on the newly painted wall...my husby is a busy man. Home decorating goes pretty low on his priority list, regardless of how high it is on mine!)

Picture play!

This is what I came home to this morning after running errands:

My sweet boy had the doctor's office all set up for his little sister's ailing animals. Isn't he scrumptious?
I wish I'd have gotten a better shot of the tools of his trade...but if you've ever cleaned out the washing machine after your husband does a bunch of Household Honey-do's (and then oh-so kindly does a load of laundry for you), then you have an idea of what's inside all of those medical containers there.
Or maybe Doctor Jeshua raided the bottom of his papa's tool box...and the junky area on my desk in the school room...and quite possibly a swipe of Under-the-bed mischief...but I suppose that's all irrelevant...
At least you can see the treats on the window sill. Those are the things he gives "only to the good patients" - they're apples and strawberry ornaments from the Cmas tree! ;O)
I adore my kids!

So, in thinking about how I want to proceed here...

I've decided to stop thinking. :~D
No need for a theme or clarity...I don't actually even mind if this space becomes useless and boring. Who says we need to make sense all the time?!
I don't plan on writing TO anyone ABOUT anything - I'll just commit to writing.

Oh, and posting pics. I love pics!
(Now if only I could get them to be *in* the post rather than on top of it...)

Hhmm, let's see if this is a good idea...

I love to write.
I love to remember things and mull over what I've lived and seen.
BUT, I'm not sure the Time Fairy will grant me her most prized possession. (She can be so stingy...especially in America, it seems!)
So, I'm gonna try this out, but I'm not gonna tell anybody! And being's how silence isn't exactly my strongest virtue, we'll see how long that lasts. :~)